Bad Advice Column

Dear Bad Advice,

My boyfriend has a small flatulence problem. And by small, I mean approximately the size of many, many elephants. I have tried slipping Beano into his drinks, but he either decides he's not thirsty, or he sees the pills and thinks there's something wrong with his ice. He's not particularly bright, either. We're working with maybe one watt. Anyway, my question is, how do I stop his...little....flaw?

Sincerely, Sweetfart

Dear Sweetfart,

First of all, "Sweetfart?" Seriously? Dude, you seriously need some help in the witty pseudonym department. As for your boyfriend, might I suggest you try a little "aromatherapy"? Judging be his intelligence and, erm, affliction, he must be really, really cute, or really, really rich. He does not require consciousness to be either of those things. Just fill a bathtub with boiling water, add several boxes of chamomile tea, and wait for the sleepy-time fumes to waft up his presumably hairy nose. If that fails to put him out, make a mixtape filled with soothing lullabies. Lug both the tub and a stereo system with you everytime you go on a date. You won't have to deal with his IQ, or lack thereof. If he happens to be a sleep-flatulator, simply slip several adult diapers onto his unconscious form. No sound or scent will get through that insulation. I would suggest you bring an XXXL pair of pants to slip over said diapers. The only thing more embarrassing than a flatulent date is a diapered one.

Sincerely, Bad Advice